39 Dryburgh Road, London SW15 1BN

Complaint vs Criticism

• There are times when tensions can escalate and arguments get out of control. Strong emotions, like anger, may change a small problem - for example a member of the family being late when everyone else is ready to go - into a crisis.
• How do we best deal with situations like this?
• The solution centres on keeping to a specific complaint rather than escalating to a personal attack or criticism. It is all too easy to say something like: "You are so inconsiderate and selfish, it is so typical of you not to care about others!" This might trigger defensive responses like excuses, denying responsibility, counteracting with a criticism and so on. A much better approach is to keep to the specific complaint.
• Psychologist Haim Ginott recommended that the best formula for a complaint is "XYZ".
• "When you did X, it made me feel Y and I'd rather you did Z instead."
• For example: 'When you were not ready at the agreed time for all of us to go sailing, we felt disappointed, unappreciated and angry. We wish you made the effort to wake up earlier.' Instead of an insult or a threat, this way of addressing the situation will probably result in an apology from that person and in their desire to avoid making the rest of the family unhappy in the future.
• This might not work in every situation, but bear in mind what the great Aristotle told us over two thousand three hundred years ago: "Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way - this is not easy". (Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics).